My wrists are sore from writing. My brain is sluggish. My body fatigued. My creative well depleted and dry. My deadline...tomorrow.
For more than two weeks straight, the pace of the Depression Project has quickened and the intensity increased. We were like horses: hitting our stride and running full-tilt across the prairie, then fatiguing, straining, sweating and bleeding, gutting it out until we saw home.
I got to that point where I was done with the journey, but the journey wasn't done with me. And so I kept going. And past that point – that limit – I found something.
This project is amazing.
What we've made here is so incredibly powerful, the fact that only depressed teenagers get to see it is a crime. It's that good.
I wish I'd taken it when I was young – at that point where I started to second-guess myself and look outside for answers. The point where I started to let my childhood dreams die. Where there was no more Santa Claus and the magic started to fade.
This course we're making is a lesson in dreams and possibility and purpose and connection. It's like an arsenal of weapons against the tidal wave of bullshit a person has to wade through on the inelegant passage to adulthood. Those soul-sucking expectations that weigh down your wings and tarnish your shine. The choices that took you off your true path and onto the superhighway of Someone Else's Life.
How do you expect to make a living at that? Get a real job. Make money. Lose weight. Get married, have babies. Look out for Number 1. Find a hobby. Buy more, save more.
School Rules. The Cult Of Cool. How We've Always Done It.
Normal. Better. More.
The damage we spend our twenties undoing. The person we spend our thirties finding.
No wonder we got depressed. It's shocking more of us aren't. No wonder we're angry, confused and feel ripped off. No wonder.
I wish all of you could see this course. I wish all of you HAD seen it...when you were twelve or thirteen. Whenever the magic got lost for you. When you stopped believing in fairies and dragons. And resigned yourself to something more ordinary.
I miss it. The magic. Don't you?
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6 comments:
I would love to see what you came up with!!! My magic ended once mom fell down the wrong end of a vodka bottle, my brother had a life altering car accident, school was a site of constant teasing and ostracism, and life generally sucked...it really is amazing on what happens when you hit that 20/20 hindsight stage, isn't it??
WELL DONE AND CONGRATULATIONS, MJ!!!
KB
KB,
I publish your comments because I don't want to censor anyone and believe everyone has the right to express. But this blog is about living your dreams and your authentic life – not about staying stuck in past challenges.
I've noticed that you bring up your challenges more than your joy of moving forward. If you'd like to continue to do that, I'd suggest creating your own blog. Otherwise, I'd like to invite you into the discussion of creating the life you want.
XO,
M.
Hmmm...guess you don't know me that well - my life has altered drastically since I was in school, and I'm a much happier, well-rounded and forward thinking person than I was back when I was a teenager - which I think was the point I was trying to get across with my comment. I'm certainly not stuck - I was trying to make the point that the world needs what you're offering - that I didn't have anything like that when I was in my "formative years" and it took a 2x4 across the head to get me "unstuck" when I was about your age. If you knew me, then you'd also know that I'm totally NOT about being stuck. I've leaned to channel energy and positive thinking and moving forward.
It was a way of singing your praises, girl - not about grandstanding about my woes.
Anyway, I shall post no more - although I still enjoy reading your blog
Okay...don't publish this (I don't have your e-mail addy), but this is where I come from in terms of starting to realize where I had come from and where I needed to go...my "woot, woot" stuff, if you please...it comes from the Personal Best course. I took all three levels right after my divorce.
The Hard Road to Happiness
Ask yourself some tough questions to peel back your feelings and get to the heart of who you are:
- What are my three most significant supporting beliefs?
- What are my three most significant limiting beliefs?
- What are the most significant pay-offs or protections I am getting for my recurring negative patterns?
- How do I take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
- What is my motivation to take care of myself in those four ways?
- Am I in debt? (In this context, that is to say, any debt not considered an investment like a mortgage or student loans, for example.)
- Is my job or career in alignment with my life purpose?
- What are my spiritual beliefs? Can I articulate them and do I live my life in alignment with them?
- What is my life's mission?
I asked myself all these hard questions, came up with a mission statement for me and got rid of some limiting beliefs. It restored my soul and since then, I have managed to land my own house, a dream job or two, learned to stick up for myself in unacceptable situations and have the strength to walk away. I have cash in the bank, gas in the car, and can wake up every morning excited about the day. So, I'm not living in the past - I am able to feel and acknowledge it, but certainly don't let it guide me or my life any more. Just a bit more insight into who I am...and I'm not as eloquent at putting it into words as you are, but reading and writing about this stuff is great, but FEELING it is what's going to make you jerk out of paralysis and start moving forward. That means, acknowledging the bad, celebrating the good, and allowing the lessons to flow.
KB
Just my humble meagre little opinion
I published both! Because this is a kick ass discussion and because those questions from your last comment RAWK. I'm going to answer them myself!
Now THIS is what I'm talking about. How we get to where we're going.
Love it. Love you.
XOXOXOX
The questions actually came directly from Jay Fiset, who both owns and runs the course - I should give credit where credit is due...he also was teaching this stuff WAY before "The Secret" (and all the other stuff that seems to be in vogue in the last couple of years) was the flavor du jour. I took the course about 8 years ago.
Defining limiting beliefs is traumatic - and it's not going to be an easy thing to do - it means thinking long and hard about what is stopping you on a cellular level - ya gotta dig - I was in tears by the time I had my limiting beliefs nailed down.
I think the gist of it should be that happiness is not static - it morphs - but, so long as you know where you are, when you are, and who you are - it sure makes it a whole lot easier to maintain. The journey to finding it is different for everyone and may not manifest itself in the same way - we're all individuals.
There - done!!! Now I'll shaddap...
Love you back!!!
KB
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