D-Day for the Ervix-Say

As in Decision Day. About the surgery. I left a message with Dr. Best, but she never returned my call. My LEEP surgery is scheduled for 2 pm and I don't want to be pinned to the stirrups by some crazed surgeon hellbent on my cervix before I get my questions answered.

And there are other problems.

Like the buzzing in my junk has progressed to a constant aching. And there is stuff. Y'know...stuff. Stuff that I have never seen in 32 years of Self-Cleaning Organ ownership.

I've been crying a bit.

I've also been having spiritual moments. Driving up to Edmonton to visit some friends, I realized I need to surrender. It's all happening the way it's going to happen. I can do my best. I can eat my purple cabbage and say my affirmations 1,200 times a day, but it's all going to unfold the way it's going to unfold. I've been trying to wrestle the Universe into submission since I got back from Paris and it hasn't worked. Why would it work now?

So, somewhere between Red Deer and Ponoka, I let go. I said, "Okay Big Guy. I'll keep doing my best, but this is your show now. You take over." And then I sobbed my face off a little more.

And Sunday, the day after the arrival of the Unidentified Stuff, I had another moment. The moment where I realized that I'm being called to do something, only I don't get to know what it is yet. So, I have to wait it out. I have to just watch it all unfold and it will come clear eventually.

The possibilities of where this story could go are endless. Maybe they tell me I have the most aggressive cancer of all time, rearing its murderous head in the span of two measly weeks. Maybe they'll say I have a standard-issue yeast infection and to come back in two weeks. Maybe they'll say, "Hey, let's do a colposcopy!" and then they do it and I have miraculously healed myself just in time for my birthday party on Sunday, an intimate Alaskan cruise for my 57 nearest and dearest. Never know.

Right at the moment, I am not afraid. I spent the weekend with Athena. 'Member her? Warrior Princess of Procreation? Yeah, well, her and McDreamy are the proud parents of 11 frozen embryos and could have a surrogate in a week or so. It's all happening. This tells me that if Life decides to kick the living snot out of you, you can roll with it. You can learn from it. And you can do beautiful things.

So, I'm not afraid. I want to handle this whole thing in a way that I can be proud of, and that you can be inspired by. Because I've been given this gift – you reading this – and I'm not about to let you down. I had a feeling yesterday that it's got to get a bit worse before it gets better. If this were a warrior tale, this would be the part where I was tested. The depth of my conviction, the strength of my character, my ability to endure. That's this part. Lots of hard work to come. Probably some good days, probably some bad. Maybe a few Dark Nights of the Soul.

But, if I do it right, I'll emerge victorious. Which would be the kind of ending I think we'd all cheer about.