Anti-Mercury Retrograde Survival Kit

M'kay. I'm gonna go a little Madame Roslin's Psychic Hotline on you here. See, after Le Grand Divorce, I got heavily into horoscopes and astrology. I guess I needed something to make sense of the swirling chaos.

Astrology it was. And I got REALLY into it. There was a time, I'll admit, when I wouldn't give an Aries the time of day. Because Aries are, like, super incompatible with Cancer. Embarrassing.

I am now fully recovered and happily dating an Aries. (Ha! Yeah right. He's a Pisces.) Regardless, there are two astrological events that I have not given up believing. One is full moons. They seriously mess with people, especially us water signs. Rumour has it the police tend to staff up on full moon days. I shit you not. Mmm, wait. I have no source on this. It could be an urban legend. Meh.

The other is good old Mercury Retrograde. About three times per year, Mercury appears to move backwards in the sky. Mercury rules transportation, communication and the past, and when it goes into retrograde these things get messed up. So, for three or four weeks, you will drop cell phone calls, lose emails, lock your keys in your car, be late, have misunderstandings with people and run into every single ex-boyfriend you've had since kindergarten (if you were an early bloomer, that is).

It doesn't sound like much fun and I suppose it isn't. So, I've taken the liberty of creating an Anti-Mercury Retrograde Survival Kit available online for only $29.99 (plus GST and shipping).

Your stylish Kit includes:
Ex-Girlfriend Pacification Spray OR Ex-Boyfriend Ego Massage Oil
Portable Folding Cell Phone Tower (No reception? No problem!)
74 Assorted Emails (In Work Related, Pornographic/Personal and SPAM flavours!)
LockMaster2000 Skeleton Key (Fits all cars, homes and diaries! Not suitable for retinal scans.)
Never-B-Late Alarm Clock (Guaranteed 10 minutes early!)
Fast-Acting Apology Powder (Sprinkle it on and they'll brush it off!)
Green Light Transmogrifying Lotion (Because red lights are for people without this lotion!)

ORDER TODAY! Call Madame Roslin NOW at 1-800-MERC-SUX and receive a bonus gift!

Today only, we will include a convenient Madame Roslin's Psychic Hotline Official Folding Astrological Chart FREE. Never forget which sign is ascending into which house again! Fits easily in the glove box! ($11.99 Value)

CALL NOW! Before you miss a pornographic email from your ex-boyfriend!