The Mornings After

I wrote that rage-filled post on Sunday night. Had to tell my oncologist father on Father's Day that I might be coming to see one of his colleagues soon. Sheesh. Not in my Awesome Daughter Master Plan.

He, of course, was great. Whenever there is a medical problem, The Folks are on the freaking case, yo. They will get you in to see the best in the city, like, this week. Which is what happened. I'm going to see Dr. Best In The City on Monday.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling exhausted. Today, same thing.

And there is so much going on in my head that I don't even want to begin. I want to turn off the constant monologue that woke me up at 4 a.m. with its yammering.

The "weird" thing (if you believe in weird things) is, I had planned to really take a look at my health beginning this week. I just needed to get the show out of the way and then it was going to be Mel's Health Month. Rethink my diet, start doing regular meditation, etc.

I guess I have a good reason to actually do it now. Yay.

The thing I'm most excited about is this book I'm reading. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I would love to explain her work, but I'm freaking exhausted.

I want to be funny for you. I want to turn that frown upside down. I want to tell you a hilarious madcap story about doctors and lady parts. But I'm not there right now. I can't entertain you. I'm really confused actually.

Last night I prayed and prayed for guidance. I'm in the middle of a life transition, but this is not the direction I had hoped for. But if you believe Law of Attraction, I attracted this. So...why? Why did I put my problems there of all places? Issues in my junk, I guess.

And here I am, a Woo Woo Girl in a family of Western medical model people. I'm a person who would rather do affirmations and organic carrot juice than chemo and surgery. So, my dad gets me in to see the Best In The City. What do I tell her if she suggests surgery? Thanks, but no thanks, I'd rather dissolve my resentment?

And last night I hung out with Life Coach Cathy. Who is normally really great at this stuff. She usually just says the one right thing and everything comes clear. But last night she asked me how far down the rabbit hole I wanted to go. And I said as far as it takes. And we ended up with me sitting on a restaurant patio sobbing my face off, thinking how the hell did we get here? The whole thing was too much. Way too much. And I can't tell if that was helpful or crazymaking.

Which is the other thing about this whole deal. Are people helping or are they pushing their agenda? You never know. Maybe Dr. Best In The City is vaccine-happy. Maybe LCC is projecting her stuff onto me. It would be lovely to think that all our caregivers, friends and counselors were like Mother Theresa, but they aren't.

My best resource for now is going to be me. I need to listen to my intuition and see what feels right. And, as my friend Andrea so beautifully put it last night as I was sobbing to her on the phone: don't react. Don't turn into a pinball and get hammered by every new bit of information. Keep a calm centre and keep listening.