She's a Lady

I've been reading Louise Hay's stuff. I'm totally hip to her woo woo jive – affirmations and loving the self, etc. She writes about "female problems" as all being related to a rejection of the feminine. Sister, I hear you.

I've been working against being a woman for a long, long time. And I'm just coming to realize it.

I was a tomboy as a kid, which is neither here nor there. But as I've grown up, I have hung on to some really negative beliefs about being female. I grew up believing that expressing emotion was a sign of weakness. Which is kind of a 'guy thing' to grow up thinking. And totally impossible for me. Everyone within a five-mile radius knows how I'm feeling at any given moment.

I also hate, hate, hate dresses and skirts. Now, I doubt that I'm still traumatized by the time when the boys rushed us and looked up our little first-day-of-kindergarten corduroy jumpers. But I am rarely seen in a skirt.

These are surface-level examples. If I truly unpack some of my past beliefs here is how they look: I've actually said that if I could choose, I'd rather be a man. I've also said I'd rather have a son than a daughter. I have seen The Feminine as weak, over-emotional, unfocused, sexually vulnerable, fearful. I rarely see the power or creativity of being a mother. I only see the burden and sacrifice.

Oh my God. I'm a female chauvinist pig.

Who knows where these beliefs came from. Maybe my dad expressed some off-hand desire for a son. (He had three daughters. He was totally surrounded. Who could blame him for wanting a little more Y-chromosome in the house?) Maybe I tried to be that son. Who knows? But here they are. Laid bare for the world to see.

Looking at my beliefs, it's easy to see that I have rejected the feminine. Whether they are contributing to my health issues is up for debate, but these beliefs certainly aren't going to help me with the 'loving the self' bit.

But, beyond the Louise Hay affirmations – "I rejoice in my femaleness. I love being a woman. I love my body" – how does one embrace the feminine? Tangibly. Should I wear skirts more often? Take up goddess dancing? Place African fertility symbols with huge boobs all over my house?

The Feminine is slippery. How do I know it's truly the capital-F Feminine and not some culturally constructed Maybelline version of womanhood? For some reason, Angelina Jolie comes to mind right now. Is she the feminine ideal I should be awakening? My inner 103-pound immigrant child adopter? I'm so confused.