How Not To Be A Good Girlfriend

Don't let a healthy relationship stand in the way of your dreams! In less than an hour, my Patented Method can bring you the kind of results that can lead to lifelong resentment. For just three installments of $19.95 you can't afford NOT to!

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• Make plans to spend six months in Paris without your partner. Plan to be away over Christmas and his birthday if possible. Pick a projected departure date that makes it impossible for him to join you – if he can't save several thousand dollars in five minutes, he doesn't want to come.
• Come up with a genius funding plan that doesn't include helping with the mortgage in your shared home and will likely involve him chauffeuring you around for a few months. Hey, you have to save money for Paris!
• The night of the Big Talk, have a glass of wine or two at your all-girl BBQ. This will get your surly attitude and sense of female self-importance good and warmed up. You go girl!
• When you arrive home, sit down and tell him what you have planned. It's best to blindside him with this conversation, especially when he is working. That way, he is completely on his heels and won't know how to react.
• When he appears shocked that you've decided to leave him for six months with no possibility of parole, tell him that he doesn't seem very supportive of your dream.
• Sit in sullen silence for twenty minutes.
• Listen to him tell you that he wants you to go to Paris, but that it seems you had already decided everything by the time you came home and your plan doesn't appear to consider the relationship at all.
• Decide he is selfish.
• Tell him, in minute and scientific detail, everything you've done to "consider the relationship" for the past three years...even during the times when, need you remind him, he wasn't very considerate.
• Reward him with another dose of sullen silence when he suggests that you keep the past out of the discussion.
• Tell him that if he needed to go someplace for six months, you would let him.
• Ignore his obvious distress. He can handle it...he's a man!
• When it appears you have gotten what you wanted, tell him you are tired and are going to bed. Don't forget to be insulted that his goodnight kiss is less than enthusiastic!

With my Patented Method, you could be on your way to a seriously unhealthy relationship dynamic in no time!

Can't handle the power? Don't worry. I've included a handy packet of quick-absorbing Remorse-Tabs. Taken before bedtime, Remorse-Tabs will help you take the long walk to I'm Sorry.

Instructions for use:
Take two Remorse-Tabs with water. Pad downstairs in your jammies. Sit on the carpet in your partner's office and curl yourself into a tiny – and hopefully cute – ball. Tell him that you have an idea for a different plan that might work for both of you. Outline a plan where you leave a few months later, allowing the possibility of things like hanging out in Europe for the summer with your boyfriend and maybe watching the Tour de France, his most favouritest sporting event in the world. Realize a plan like this is probably better for you anyway because it gives you time to set yourself up for career and creative success rather than impulsively flying off to a foreign country where you don't speak the language well enough to even have a conversation with a publisher even if they did think your book was brilliant. Agree to talk again in the morning. Kiss and/or hug liberally. Notice the goodnight kiss is a little juicier this time.