Not-So-Bons Mots

Writing about falling in love with my ex-husband for the next while. Harrowing work, but lovely, too. In a wistful nostalgia kind of way. And so, in an effort at levity during this weighted task, a compilation of my least favourite words. Words that – when I say them slowly, letting my tongue curl around their letters – conjure unspeakable horror within my very soul.

Slacks – Imagine if you will, too-tight 70s polyester plaid stretched unflatteringly across the wide expanse of a middle-school teacher's camel toe and ample...
Thighs – White chicken skin jiggling rippling cellulite dimpled flab
Paste – Flaccid, thin and wrong, like the taste of Elmer's glue
Panties – Annoyingly prim yet somehow pornographic
Breath – The hard br followed by the impotent th that makes yoga class impossible to enjoy
Milk – Stretchy strings of white milky mucus in the throat, a phlegmier word than phlegm itself
Moist – The sick sound of someone chewing, wet, so wet
Pleasure – A dirty-minded 60-something man whispering into the ear of an altogether too-young girl
Fabulous – If used to describe life as a single girl in my presence, I will punch your face in
Scrumptious – Aw, fuck off

And now for the other side of the linguistic coin. Words I love. Love, love, love. Absolutely not a definitive or complete list. Just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Juice – Sounds like something that should be yelled at sporting events. Jooooooce!
Panties – Meh, it's a love-hate thing. My friend Nadine pronounces it pannies with a bit of a y-sound after the p. Like piannies. Hilarious.
Fuck – Come on. You love its raw, seething, sexual power, too. Admit it. Speaking of...
Raw – Exposed, bloody, muscular, vulnerable. Painful, real, terribly true.
Outrageous, Delicious, Gorgeous – When, and only when, my sister Kim says them
Bananas – Use liberally in the form of 'That's bananas!'
Segue – Yes, dahlings, that's how you spell 'segway.' Reminds me of siege. This segue has us under siege! Run for your lives before the topic changes!
Enraged – When uttered by my friend Hilary. Please read my homage to Hil here.
Intoxicated – Emphasize the 'tox' to introduce a lovely hint of pomposity
Fisticuffs – Bare-fisted boxing matches with big, old-fashioned handlebar mustaches. Carnival popcorn in striped boxes. Cymbal-banging monkeys and wind-up music boxes