Day 97/Day 5: Homeopathological Part Deux

That crazy remedy I took three whatever weeks ago? Rocks. You Placebo People are going to be screaming at everything I write, so maybe y'all should just go ahead and not read this post. Seriously. Don't bother. I'm going deep into the woo woo and I don't care who knows it.

I took the first dose two weeks ago and felt AWESOME for the first day and then it was a roller coaster extravaganza bouncing between super-focused days and paralyzing self-doubt days. Which pretty much sums up the last three months of my life and was supposedly the remedy working through my system.

System = WORKED.

But then, I had the commitment idea. Which the Placebo People would say was a coincidence, but I say is breaking on through to the other side. Because I've actually done what I said I'm going to do. I haven't let fear derail me once. (For five measly days, say the Placebos. I know.)

I took the second dose yesterday and I feel even better. I'm talking FOCUS. I'm talking CONFIDENCE. I'm talking WOO WOO MEDITATION TAPES AND WRITING. Like you wouldn't believe. We are effing JAMMIN' here. The Big Fear is gone and if it comes up, I just stick on a five minute podcast that reminds me fear isn't real, it's an illusion with a pan flute soundtrack. And all is well.

Maybe you think I'm tempting fate by being all cocky. Maybe I think so too, but it's like that first blush of teen love when you want to sing it from the rooftops and so I am. Internet? I'm in love. With writing. And with this bad ass remedy. And honestly? The whole damn world.

The commitment insight was the first awesome thing. But I had another one today. See, I keep thinking about training for another marathon or getting back into triathlon or going back to Paris, hoping these things from my past will bring me the clarity I seek NOW. My insight today was, "Dude, those things are in the PAST. They served very specific purposes. In. The. Past. This is today." It's a whole different ball game. The reality of living my dream has shifted. There is no longer any 'ifs' – it's happening. I am living and working as a full-time artist. My only questions are the 'hows' and 'whens' of whatever's happening next.

There is a distinct possibility that the second draft of this book will be best written in Gay Paree. If that's the case – I'm on a plane in a heartbeat. There is also a distinct possibility that my next project/book will require me to live in a raw food commune in California for three months. Or volunteer at an orphanage in India. If so, I'm on a plane there instead.

I am not the arbiter of dreams. I am the seeker. The student. She does what she's told, and that's that.

There have been various gateways marking the beginnings of extremely important periods in my life: my divorce, my first marathon, Ironman, Paris. I am moving towards the next gateway, I can feel it. Only I can't quite see it clearly. I don't know where it will take me. And perhaps I'm not yet ready. There is still work to be done. The book will be completed. The commitments will be honoured. All I can do is keep writing, stay calm and wait for the signs.