La Spazze Speaks

Welcome to the Holiday Monday Special Edition of Melanie's Complex Psychological Process! Thanks for joining us. In this episode we will examine the fascinating tendency to experience breakthrough moments of enlightened intuition followed by several days of gut-twisting anxiety and Olympic-level self-doubt.

Observe as our subject asks for guidance from the all-knowing Universe. Observe as she receives the messages she requested. And now observe as she sinks into depression, crawls into a hole and dies.

This intriguing behavioral reversal appears to be related to a condition known as spazzicus terrifibius – a highly infectious condition affecting the brains of humans and some rodent species.

This condition appears to arise from the realization that one cannot un-know what one knows. So, when a subject experiences an insight or epiphany that may, in fact, lead to life-changing results...and then said subject would really like to melt into a ball of goo in front of the TV and never do anything hard or scary again...said subject is painfully aware that such avoidance behaviour is diametrically opposed to the original insight.

Let's explore an example.

And let's quit playing doctor.

I had a major breakthrough last Wednesday night. Major. Huge. One of the biggest insights of my adult life, actually. That instead of selling my screenplay in order to be a full-time artist, I need to commit to being an artist first and then all the doors in the world will open. That I've had it backwards all along. It was an exciting, wondrous feeling.

And since then I've been a bag of shit. I've wanted to run screaming from everything and work in a pop bottle factory. I've wanted to rent forty-seven movies and watch them all back to back for eight days straight. I thought about amassing an Everest-scale pile of potato chips, cookies, chocolate and red wine...and consuming my way to oblivion. I've strategized the execution of a moderate car accident which would result in selective memory loss (and negligible damage to other parts...mine and the car's). I considered flying to India and hiding out in an ashram or maybe even an Afghan terrorist cell. I could be the entertainment.

I repeat: a bag of shit.

Yesterday, I hornswaggled Boyfriend into renting a bunch of videos with me and buying chips and beer. I was looking forward to an afternoon/evening of denial and drooling in front of the TV. But then he had the entirely wholesome and creatively nurturing idea that we plant a herb garden. I loathed him for 2.7 minutes and then off we went to the garden centre. We are now the proud parents of several aromatic organic children. We keep them in nice terracotta pots in the sunshine.

And the movies I did end up watching were inspirational and delicious. And then I woke up this morning and went running. And I remembered that May is the most precious month, so I set about soaking it up.

May is the month when spring finally ramps up. The crocuses are in their ground-hugging glory and the trees are actually green, exploding with juicy new leaves. May also goes by really fast because it's almost over before this new-life gig hits its stride and then Junejulyaugust might as well be a week long they're over so fast.

Every May I tell myself, 'Don't forget this.' And I try desperately to hang on. I stare at the little blooms and buds like a clingy teenage lover. I eat it all with my eyes, almost falling over myself on the pathway in my desire to consume and devour.

And then, usually, I forget. I get caught up in some struggle or problem and I forget that May is precious and passing me by.

I think there's a metaphor here about being an artist and releasing and staying in the moment. I also think that nature doesn't try so hard. The blooms happen when the time is right. They aren't too worried about it. They're just doing their thing.

Two more people made deposits to the 'Mel, you ARE an artist' bank account today. I'm amassing quite the fortune in there. And here I am freaking out and running in circles. Trying to hide when there's nothing to hide from. I am what I am. No matter what. So I might as well just freaking relax about it.