Pay-Offs

No dahling, not play offs...pay-offs. And yes, if you want to think about mafia soldiers palming wads of fifties from the poor-but-desperate grocery store owner, that works. Because the pay-offs I'm talking about are kind of underhanded. They're sneaky. They're kinda backwards.

But first, let's talk about your Feel-Good lists and how marvelous it was to write yours!

What?

You didn't write it?

And you didn't do your Incompletes list from the day before either, did you. No. Of course not. Great.

*Sigh*

It's alright. I might have anticipated this, just a little. You see, dear friends, there are pay-offs to staying stuck. And that is what Part Three of the Three-Part Heat-Seeking Anti-Denial Mental Missile is all about. The parts of you that want to stay stuck. The parts of you that (admit it) like the sympathy vote or the poor-me act or the myriad of comfy beliefs that keep you in jobs or relationships or situations you don't like "because that's just the way it is."

We love our underhanded pay-offs because they allow us not to move forward. They help maintain the status quo and they keep the warm, fuzzy walls of our comfort zone intact.

So, what are your pay-offs? What benefits are you receiving from staying in a bad situation or keeping a bad habit?

Let's explore an example. Workaholism. One of the most celebrated and rewarded unhealthy conditions (addictions) of our time. Despite the major 'Me Time' marketing thrust of yoga studios, Oprah and our health care system, we love overworking.

We get a lot out of it too. Even though our health is deteriorating, our relationships suffer and our leisure time consists of secondary addictions like television, porn and booze, we get the benefit of feeling driven, ambitious and better than those other lazy people. In fact, we begin to expect workaholism in others. If we are working this hard to get everything done, why shouldn't they? Clearly they aren't as interested in getting gold stars as we are.

Congratulations – you "survive" on six hours sleep! Congratulations – you send midnight emails! Congratulations – you haven't seen your mother/best friend/son in six months! Gold stars all around.

Bah, workaholism is too easy. Let's take a harder one: falling for the wrong person (again and again). What's the pay-off there? How can there be a pay-off in getting your heart smashed repeatedly? And how can you call this a bad habit...clearly it's just bad luck.

The pay-off is this: you get to be the centre of attention every time someone breaks your heart. Poor you! You deserve better! Etc! You get to feel 'better than' the jerk who dumped you. And, the bonus prize, you get all that delicious drama – the fights, the crying, the waiting by the phone – to distract you from dealing with your own low self-esteem. In other words, you get to not take responsibility for yourself.

Whew! Dodged that bullet.

That's mostly what pay-offs are about. Avoidance of responsibility. It's not your fault...it's your boss, bad boyfriend, overbearing mother, the fact that your creativity wasn't nurtured as a child. We are well-versed in the language of justification. And we love our pay-offs.

Look at the areas of your life that you aren't happy with. Let your Automatic Internal Excuse-Maker rest for a minute. Now answer this question: what pay-offs are you getting from staying stuck?