Day 64: The Power of Patience

Patience is a character trait I severely lack. I'm a run-before-you-walk girl. A dive-in-head-first girl. Shoot first, ask questions later. That type of deal. Sometimes, as in the case of me choosing Ironman as my first triathlon, it works out. Other times, like marrying the narcissistic meanie, it doesn't.

My friend Stephen is a patient man.

When he decided to write a sci fi/fantasy novel, he told himself it would take three years. One to plan, one to write, one to revise. At least I think that's what he said. My brain shorted out after hearing the words "three years." He's a smartie though, and despite this idea going against every fibre of my high-strung, I-want-it-now personality, his slow-and-steady method makes a lot of sense.

I've had this insane sense of urgency since I was 26 – a feeling of being perpetually late for life, whether it's professionally, personally, financially or spiritually. It started when Narcissistic Meanie left and I began to feel that, between divorce and depression, I lost a good five years of productive, functioning life. Now, don't get me wrong, there was also a feeling of almost-weepy relief and euphoria. A sense that I got to start life over and make the whole thing up any way I wanted.

But living every day as though it were my last combined with feeling five to seven years late turned me into Oprah on amphetamines. It was like my personal psychic carny turned up the Def Leppard and yelled, 'Anybody wanna go fasssstah?'

Any meaningful personal experience I could think of I did: running marathons, traveling to Europe, volunteering with inner city children, finding spirituality, taking French class, making a personal financial plan, attending wine tastings, changing jobs, changing jobs, changing jobs.

I've been in a state of full-on A.D.D. since 2002.

For six years, I've been trying to "catch up," but I'm no longer sure what I'm trying to catch up to. Or why. It's not like there's some universal life check-list with names and dates attached to things like Have Children, Experience Inner Peace or Achieve Multiple Orgasm While Suspended On A Trapeze.

Whatever bucket list you're working towards is one you made up. One you are holding yourself to. And possibly driving yourself crazy over.

The more I 'do,' the more un-done I feel. I think I'm being tested right now – asked to give up the illusion that I'm in control of what's happening here and let go. Because every time I try to manhandle the process and push my own agenda, I get my ass kicked by the carny. I don't know if all those things on my list will get done. I don't know if this year (or this life) will happen the way I thought. The universe doesn't give a damn about my timelines or my urgency or my big, fancy plan. It's unfolding perfectly in its own time, and with a Def Leppard soundtrack to boot. So I should probably relax and enjoy the ride.