Day 86: Reply All

Dear Divorcees,
It was a cute idea to send the anthology around so all of us could sign it and then present it to our editor. Twenty-seven authors all over the world. Even Finland! It's just like us eager-to-please divorcees to think up a cute idea like that. Just like us to go overboard with international air mail coupons and a chain-letter book signing that will take months and a small miracle to pull off.

If that's not abandonment issues working themselves out, I don't know what is. I guess we still feel like we need to justify ourselves. Maybe we should get team t-shirts made. It's not like I haven't thought about that.

The t-shirts would look great at the Ask Me About My Divorce PARTIES you'd like us to plan! Little rah-rah campfire gatherings that sound a lot like 12-step groups...only with more wine. We'll potluck the appies and sit around and talk about divorce, you know, really open up. I just hope the ones who got big settlements aren't resented by the ones who didn't. That would really mess up the party dynamic. I also hope the single moms don't bring their kids. It's not that I don't like kids. Or single moms. It's just hard to have a conversation.

So anyway, Divorcees, these ideas are so great and cute, but I just wanted to talk to you about one thing. It's a niggly little thing about the Reply All button. I know you're all eager to let everyone know how 'in' you are for these ideas. All eager to be a part of it and make sure the other ladies know where you stand. (Abandonment issues again?) Communication is important, our divorces taught us that much. But really, who was going to say no? Which of us desperate-for-love divorcees was going to single herself out like that? We've been single long enough.

But, listen ladies, there's twenty-seven of us. And if I receive another Reply All email saying nothing useful, just "I'm in!" or "Cheers!" or "Looking forward to reading everyone's essays!" If I see another exclamation point. Because, really girls, this cutesy signed-by-everyone idea isn't going to happen organically. One person needs to organize it and I nominate the gal who started this whole mess.

Who, bless her heart, filled my inbox with exclamation points from all over the world. Who, as the pointless emails keep streaming in unabated, has probably realized the estrogen-fueled monster she's created and is hiding at the bottom of a quart of Haagen Dazs right now, crying because she screwed it up AGAIN and how could she do that to OTHER DIVORCEES of all people – we've already been through so much. Now this poor girl is going to need more therapy than she's already had. Look at her: regressing on the floor by the freezer, rocking back and forth, covered in Cinnamon Dulce de Leche.

I'd love to help, I really would. I'd give anything to shut this down. To get you panting, acceptance-starved divorcees to back away from the inbox with your hands where I can see them. To ask you to spend your time doing something useful, like writing about your childhoods for instance. But I can't email you all directly – we don't need a planet covered in Cinnamon Dulce de Leche and resurfaced rejection. I'm sure as hell not pressing Reply All.