Day 75: Get What You Need

Yesterday, I had this strange, almost-habitual reaction while beginning to pack for Pincher Creek. At first I chalked it up to the fact that no matter what time we agree to leave, Boyfriend is ready an hour and a half later. And rather than flow and adapt to this reality, I throw a fit every single time. And I recite this really convincing internal monologue about how he doesn't respect my time or me or puppies or babies.

Only he was on time yesterday.

But I was still surly. I had the Death Glare turned up to eleven and was looking for a target. I found it at Starbucks Shawnessy. The place where everything they could screw up, they did. The punk behind the register had that teenaged affliction where, no matter what his actual job was, he was more interested in determining whether or not I was f*ckable. I wasn't. They were also out of soy milk. I opted for decaf, but they didn't have any made. Then they screwed up Boyfriend's latte and poured my decaf before it was finished brewing in an effort to get rid of us, so my bitterness manifested itself externally in my crap coffee.

I was pissed. Which is when I saw the full moon.

Normally that explains away any bad mood or feeling of minor-league angst. Usually, Drea calls me up or I call her and whoever made the call says, "Full moon." And the other responds with, "Makes sense." But this time, I was not placated by seeing that fat-yet-heavenly body hanging low in the sky. Because I'm in Pincher Creek to write Chapter 10 and I don't have time for bad moons on the rise.

I started chanting affirmations, which, even though the words were lovely and positive, probably sounded more like swearing under my breath. I couldn't get into them. And I had an irrational hate-on for Boyfriend. And the pressure was mounting in my guts because I really, really, really need a good writing day. I need it bad. And it felt like the whole universe was conspiring against me, that I'd never get my book written, that I'd have to work at Starbucks and that hormonal jackass from Shawnessy would end up being my boss, the kind of guy who just happens to walk behind you every time you bend over.

We got to the hotel, which was amazingly perfect, especially compared to the Cold Lake gong show. We had a lovely dinner involving a fennel citrus pomegranate salad. We watched a couple episodes of Lost. We got ready for bed.

"I need a good writing day," I said to Boyfriend as we brushed our teeth.
"Then you'll have one," he said.
"But I was so grumpy today."
"You had exactly the day you needed to have."
"If you say so, Yoda."

I snuggled down into the crisp, white hotel sheets. I closed my eyes and felt myself relax. I tried my affirmations a couple more times, but then I realized something. Chapter 10 is all about disconnection and discord in relationships. About that feeling of being trapped in a small space with someone you suddenly realize doesn't know you at all and that emptiness that opens up like a vaccuum in your guts. Sucking all the love out.

Affirmations weren't the preparation I needed to write Chapter 10. Discord was. Boyfriend was right. I had exactly the day I needed to have.