Day 90: Smells Like Three Months

Day 90 snuck up on me. Although it's not officially three months until the 1st. December is one of those months when your creative time and focus get threatened by things like every single person you know inexplicably needing to see you before Christmas. I'll still be alive after Christmas, you know. I'll still be here.

Feeling a little down today. I'm scared about my book. This has been happening a lot this month. I'm afraid of it and afraid of writing.

Today, I'm writing an audition for that depression project. I wrote a draft before Bill & Ted's Excellent Romantic Adventure, and even found time to tweak it while I was there. I'm in Jasper finishing it while Boyfriend works somewhere near Hinton.

Then we have a five-hour drive back homeward. These 'check-out' days always feel pressured. Maybe that's why I'm afraid, there's a pressure building and I don't know whether I can pull this all off. I feel like I should be further ahead than I am. Which is ridiculous because the measuring stick is in my head. I keep pulling arbitrary deadlines out of my ass and then getting crushed when I don't meet them. This book is coming on its own terms. Whether I like it or not.

There's also pressure to figure out other things, like how I'm going to sell my car in an economic downturn. Especially without snow tires. And if I don't sell my car, how I'm going to EAT in February. Let alone get back to Paris. But the weird thing is, I kind of don't care. It's not that I don't want to eat. I do. It's just that I need to finish the book. I need to. Everything else can wait.