Day 45: Why Women Live Longer Than Men

It's like pulling teeth to get good old Boyfriend to come grocery shopping with me. Not because he's a chore-shirker, but because he can survive for days on three stale breadsticks. I cannot. I suffer from acute and terminal Bitch Hunger – the kind of hunger when your blood sugar drops below the point of friendliness, passing surliness and grumpiness on its way to balls-out homicidal mania.

I don't eat breadsticks. Or Melba toasts, which fall into the same petrified wood food category as breadsticks. Or plain, dry cereal because the milk ran out three days ago. I eat things with expiry dates. Things that grew out of the ground, not in a petri dish. And lately, I ONLY eat things that grow out of the ground because I'm all raw-happy (and I have my follow-up colposcopy next week).

Which makes the drastic dietary differences between the love of my life and me all the more obvious as one half of the cart fills up with white food and the other half fills up with rainbow food.

At least he's taken to calling it Cancer Bread. And when I browsed the green tea he asked, "Is green tea the only kind that doesn't have cancer in it?" I love him.

And I was thinking about how when people meet him and eventually it comes out that he doesn't eat vegetables or fruit (besides orange juice and ketchup) they all gasp, "You don't eat vegetables?!" And I know the women are thinking, "HE'S GONNA FRICKIN' DIE!" And the men are thinking, "She lets you get away with not eating vegetables? Dude!"

Because I would wager that my boyfriend is the same as any other man. Except he's one billion times stubborner. And I don't DO ultimatums, guilt trips or any other pussy whipping activity on principle. Even when it could save his life.

So I looked up why women live longer. It's because between the ages of 15 and 24, boys are drag racing flaming sports cars while ingesting several pounds of amphetamines chased with grape-flavoured wine coolers. And if that doesn't get 'em then we all just wait patiently until age 65 when the heart attack does.

The menfolk are reckless bad-asses whether it's racing cars or avoiding broccoli.

And what are the women doing while the men are being all sexy and rebellious? Suffering quietly in the corner with things like osteoporosis and diabetes. Here's an uplifting quote: "While men die from their diseases, women live with them." We are such MARTYRS! Vegetable-eating, pussy-whipping, low-bone-density, bitch-hungry martyrs. I don't know which is worse.