Day 61: No Seriously, Don't

Okay. So...I looked down. Right after writing my post, I went to the library to pick up a book and proceeded to have a Stage 5 meltdown in my car. I was in flapping, screaming free fall in the parking lot of the Calgary Public Library. It was not pretty.

I called Drea and bawled into her ear about how nothing has any meaning any more and I don't know what the point or purpose is and I'm floating in the middle of a vast ocean of nothingness and I don't understand anything. She said she felt the same way yesterday.

She also said there's a homeopathic remedy that might work. I asked her if it involved horse tranquilizers and an all-inclusive vacation to a padded room.

I said I keep thinking it's PMS and she said, 'Didn't you have that last week?' And I said, 'I have it every week.' But then the seed of doubt was planted and if you know me, you know that a seed of doubt grows into a forest of drama in about six seconds. So I ended up doing a freaking pregnancy test. (I DON'T KNOW!) It was negative.

And then I took my meltdown on home to share it with Boyfriend, who told me that the point of life is to be happy. And I stared at him with a snotty, red, disgusting face and said that sounds very nice but how the burning inferno of hell do I do that? 'That,' he said with a smile, 'is the hard part.' And then he told me to take a bath. Which, what with all the peeing on a stick and snotfaced bawling, seemed like a really good idea.

While in the bath, I listened to a podcast I downloaded the other day when I thought I was facing a 9-hour Greyhound ride home from Cold Lake. It's on A Course In Miracles – woo woo stuff I'd read about somewhere. God, love, forgiveness, meaning of life. That sort of thing.

Lesson #1? 'Nothing I see means anything.'

GREAT.

Then we moved on to 'I don't understand anything.' And despite not seeing anything resembling a miracle, I started getting the feeling that this stuff was kind of right on. Because I don't understand anything. And once we got to 'These thoughts don't mean anything,' I was downright calm. I don't know whether it was the sinus-clearing Eucalyptus bath gel or the soothing sensation of my Earthy illusions being stripped away that made me feel better, but things started making more sense. In a 'nothing means anything or makes any sense' kind of way.

I got out of the bath and went downstairs. I gave Boyfriend a hug. He was happy to see that Shrieking Existential Crisis Victim was gone and Melanie had returned. We made lunch.