Day 46: Detoxing Out My Neck

I've been secretly eating raw for two weeks. I didn't want to make a big deal about it on here because people who think raw veganism is a total joke would be all like, "Mel! Raw veganism is a total joke." And then you'd tie me up and shove Hamburger Helper down my throat and I'd die of cancer on the spot. So I've been secretive. Sue me.

And I'm not a raw vegan. It's just that I had another one of Auntie Mel's Home-Grown Epiphanies mixed with the fact that it was 20 days before my next cervical inspection and so I thought I'd give this a try. Twenty days of raw vegetables never hurt no one. You can quote me on that. But please don't come pissing and moaning about calcium and protein, m'kay? I'm a big girl and I'm all over it like a fat kid on a Smartie.

God, I miss Smarties.

Now that the truth is out, let's talk about detoxing – a full body toxic evacuation process that occurs when you eat nothing but healthy stuff. Them toxins have to go somewhere, so they come out through every excretory orifice they can find. Some folks call this a healing crisis. I think that scares me.

Anyhoo. Here are the symptoms we're following:

• Pimple-tastic breakouts, most of which have erupted on my neck, which my dear friend Drea calls "neckne" as in acne-of-the-neck. She's smarter than me and has never has a zit in her life as far as I can tell, the bitch. Luckily the weather's gone chilly and I've been wearing nothing but turtlenecks and scarves.
• Mood swings so sudden they make my head spin. And you're all like, isn't that just normal for you, Jones? And I'm like, shut the hell up.
  
• Fatigue, which is funny because on the other side of this Detox Symptom No-Man's-Land is the Garden of Energy Eden according to raw foodist propaganda literature handed to me by the skinny guy in sunglasses who has been lurking outside my house since I started this experiment.
• Paranoia. Nah, kidding.
• Green and noxious gas such that I've been banished to the spare room. Boyfriend told me he's even LESS likely to ever eat a vegetable in his adult life if THIS is what happens.
• A confusing and unpredictable pooping experience that has me backed up for miles one day and regular-as-in-hourly the next. Too much info? Meh. Deal with it.
  

Zits, mood swings, fatigue? I'm a teenager again! Maybe this is what they mean by fruits and veg having anti-aging capabilities.

Most of my resources tell me that detox symptoms only last a couple of days. But I have a feeling The Weekend Of Mashed Potatoes set me back a bit, which is prolonging the experience. So. Not. Worth. It.

I can't wait for all this detox business to be done with so I can emerge dewy, glowing and healthy. And blonde with big boobs and a permanent tan and no cellulite and a California zip code and perfect teeth and constant (but not irritating) happiness. Because that is what happens when you eat raw food.